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The Musings of Artemis

April 9th, 2006

Hey... @ 03:31 am

Current Mood: creative creative

When did I get a paid account? o_O

>:( @ 02:23 am

Current Mood: pissed off pissed off

Man, people have been annoying lately. Not anyone who would be reading this, just people in general. Like the other day when someone cut around me on a two-lane no-passing road just so that they could get in front of me, just to come to a stop at a redlight forty feet ahead. It's not like I was going slow, either. And when I honked at them for nearly running me off the road for no reason at all, the asshole (or one of his passengers through the skylight) had the audacity to give me the finger, with a lot of finger-wiggling which led me to think that they were drunk.

People like that deserve to be bitch-slapped. Repeatedly.

March 12th, 2006

Hmm... @ 10:40 pm

Current Mood: weird weird

I want a pointy knife that burns with the fires of a thousand evils.

That is all.

February 4th, 2006

And off on a tangent we go. @ 05:56 pm

Current Mood: crazy crazy

My dearest LJ friend, I have a question for you.

Have you ever tried to cook bacon?

It sounds like an innocent question, I know. Heck, sure, I've had bacon and eggs for breakfast lotsa times. But have you actually undertaken the mammoth task of preparing it yourself?

The challenge starts right when you pick up the package.

Now, I dunno who designed those damn things, but they must have thought that the meat was going to squeeze out and head for the hills if there was even the remotest possiblity of escape. They package them in perfectly seamless plastic, and then generally add on a cardboard box, just to be safe. But really, if those little buggers make it out of the plastic, you're never going to hear from them again.

Okay, so you rip off the cardboard. Yay you. Now you look at the plastic and wonder how you're supposed to open it without cutting off a few fingers. It's vacuum packed, so stabbing it isn't really a good option. If you don't have a pair of scissors handy, you have one of two choices. You can either carefully poke a hole and rip a hole in the plastic, or you can try to cut off a slender sliver from the top.

Of course, the latter is usually deterred by yet another shield of something that must be the bastard child of Chinese plastic and that same cardboard that you ripped off in the first place, which actually resides within the plastic.

Well now, assuming you manage to get that accomplished, you now have the package open. Don't give yourself a pat on the back because you'll get raw bacon grease all over it. Proceed to Step Two.

Now you have your frying pan. You have your spatula. You have your bacon... Which is in a huge, unmanageable chunk. But, you think to yourself, Aha! It is sliced so I must simply peel off the slices one by one.

Oh, ho, ho, no. After fighting with the corner of the slab, which feels like arm-wrestling a cold, extremely-slimy octopus tentacle, you manage to get two or three pieces pulled away from the main mass at once. Well, you're going to have to get both hands greasy, so you might as well get those little bastards split apart, right? Right. So you manage to get the corner of a single bacon slice.

Then you pull it.

Then you realize your next folly.

As you pull it away from its brethern, the bacon slice stretches like warm taffy. And stays that way. By the time you manage to pry it off, you end up with a piece of bacon that's approximately three feet long.

Well, damn. Then you must transport it to the frying pan. Seeing as the frying pan is less than twelve inches in diameter, a good third of what your bacon slice is now, you have to scrunch it up in interesting ways to get it to fit. At least now you have a better understanding of how they fit twenty clowns into that itty bitty car. Unlike the clowns, however, the bacon will be forever twisted into the shape it originally landed in, no matter how much you may try to persuade it to do otherwise.

Learning from your mistake with the first slice, you proceed to caaaarefully remove three or four other slices, one at a time. Your efforts will be rewarded with bacon slices that are only two and a half feet long.

But now you have managed to actually get the bacon in the pan, and it's cooking, and you're feeling pretty good about yourself right about now. Heh, it wasn't easy, but you were just clever enough to foil the bacon's dastardly plans.

Whoops, oh, it's time to flip the bacon. You think, at least, it's pretty impossible to tell when you should. The package says that it should be flipped "often"... How often is often, exactly? Once every five minutes? One minute? Ten seconds? Well, we'll just hedge it and say two minutes, that sounds good.

By this time you have a decent amount of bacon grease. Very hot bacon grease. And, of course, you have no tongs with which to flip the bacon. This means that you must wrangle those wiggly buggers with your spatula, which is a hell of a lot harder than it sounds. You start to wonder if they're still sentient at this point, and are wriggling around just to make the process difficult.

Supporting that theory is the fact that the bacon actually growls, hisses, and shoots hot grease at you as you attempt to flip it. Even the most agile and cautious of dodgers will occasionally be hit. No matter how frustrated you may become with this, do NOT attempt to smack or otherwise flatten your foes with the spatula. Doing so will unleash a power unlike any the world has ever seen. Or you'll think so afterwards, at least.

After three minutes of fiddling, cursing, burning, and finally using a fork to assist the process, you have the bacon flipped. There, dammit. Often my ass. Those little buggers have been turned plenty enough today. If they switched sides again they'd start making Zechs look bad.

So you wait, standing just far enough away to avoid any last-ditch efforts by the bacon to shoot grease straight into your eye. You do a quick spot check (which you coincidentally flub, but only the DM knows that). The bacon looks fine, a nice light brown color.

Then you begin the task of removing it from it's grease pool, which, predictably, it has decided that it likes after all.

By the time you manage to get it all out on a plate and it begins to cool, you quickly notice that it has suddenly darkened four shades to a medium char and has reached the consistency that you'd expect from burnt toast. What the hell? No one has really fully explained this phenomenon, but bacon always cooks about two minutes in it's three second journey from the pan to the plate.

Oh well, so you have four pieces of... very well done bacon. You still have several slices of bacon in the bag (which, now that it is open, you'll never ever get it closed again) and you're not going to make the same mistakes twice.

And for the love of all that is good and mostly unburnt, namely your skin, turn down the heat a bit before adding in more pieces of bacon. That seemingly harmless pool of grease will make Old Faithful seem practically tame if you just slap some cold pieces of bacon in there.

Well, it's back to the greasy slab for another fun episode of eel-wrangling.

The process is fairly straightforward from here, though your efforts are bound to be hampered by the ever-increasing amount of grease in the pan. You may try to drain some of the excess grease off between rounds. But while this sounds like a good idea in theory, in practice it often proves impossible to accomplish without dumping it all either on yourself or on the floor. If you choose the former, you end up in severe physical discomfort for a week. If you choose the latter, you'll end up with a severe infestation of bugs in your kitchen for a month.

Seeing as neither option is particularly attractive, you may opt for choice C, which is to wait until you're done to dispose of the vile bile. You may choose to keep this substance for further cooking expeditions.

And finally, you've cooked all of the bacon. And you feel pretty damn accomplished by this point. You know what the sucky part is? You cooked the whole package of bacon, and all you have to show for it is a pitiful little pile of meat. A pound of raw bacon turns into about a sixteenth of a pound of eatable foodstuff.

And then you think... My grandmother went through this every day before I even got out of bed?

January 22nd, 2006

It's Takashi @ 04:21 am

That turned out amazingly well. The hair and the eyes are spot on, and the body actually isn't a far cry from what he really looks like, unlike so many other people who I've done dolls for. The clothes for the guys are better than the girly clothes, I think. Less preppy crap.

He doesn't mind being put on an entirely pink background, though those do look like cherry blossoms. That says something about him, doesn't it?

January 17th, 2006

Hurrah? @ 12:45 am

Current Mood: blank blank

We may actually have an internet connection. At our house. It's been working for about an hour, so I'm starting to be hesitantly hopeful. It's dial-up, but hey, it works, and that's all that we want right now.


And I can't think of anything else to say.

December 23rd, 2005

This was funny... @ 12:55 am

Current Mood: amused amused

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Monday chloetude and I robbed a bank (-50 points). Last Friday I gave matrix_arty a life-saving blood transfusion (50 points). Last Wednesday I helped agent_archer hide a body (-173 points). In November I ruled Asscrackistan as a kind and benevolent dictator (700 points). In October I helped kippur across the street (6 points).

Overall, I've been nice (533 points). For Christmas I deserve a toy train!


Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:


December 19th, 2005

Happy Holidays, right? @ 02:39 pm

Well, we still have no internet at our house, but now we're down in Tennessee for Christmas, and they, incidentally, have internet access. We'll be here until the day after Christmas or so, which at least gives us time to catch up with our webcomics. We're about two months behind on everything... Already caught up with B&G and 8-bit, though.

Also, I am glad to have six icons.

October 1st, 2005

I'm reading the news too much, but... @ 05:50 am

"Barely legal
Should mature-rated video game sales to minors be criminalized?
by Chris Morris

NEW YORK – Since Janet Jackson's 2004 Super Bowl half-time peep show, anything on TV and radio that approached, much less pushed, the edge of the envelope has been condemned and ostracized.

Before long, Howard Stern was headed to satellite radio and Dennis Franz was no longer dropping trou on "NYPD Blue."

Having tamed the broadcast media, politicians have turned their attention to the interactive media -- video games, to be precise. Four states (Texas, Georgia, Maryland and North Carolina) and the District of Columbia are currently considering bills that would make it a crime to sell or rent certain video games to children. Michigan, meanwhile, is expected to introduce a bill of its own in the coming weeks. And the governor of Illinois asked legislators earlier this month to pass a similar bill.

The bills vary in their wording, but basically all say the same thing: It should be a criminal offense to sell games featuring nudity or graphic violence to minors. Suggested penalties range upward to a $1,000 fine or six months in jail.

It's an argument that's not without merit. Mature video games receive the "M" rating for a reason – and clearly state on the box that they are not suitable for players under 17.

Then again, so do R-rated movies. But there are no laws that punish theater owners for not enforcing those ratings.

It's not like politicians haven't turned their attention on the video game world before. Washington state, St. Louis County (Missouri) and Indianapolis have each passed ordinances regulating the sale and rental of violent video games. But the courts have stayed or struck down each of those ordinances fairly quickly. So why the rush of legislation now?

Jackson's flash of flesh sparked a cultural uprising that seems to have become a crutch for lazy parenting. Granted, the Super Bowl was a grossly inappropriate venue for such a stunt and there was no way for parents to prevent their children from being exposed (pardon the pun) to it.

But Howard Stern? Racy television shows? Violent or sexy video games? Folks, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize what you're getting with these. If your 12-year-old comes home with a game entitled "Grand Theft Auto" or "Playboy: The Mansion," it's a safe bet you're not going to see a lot of cartoon animals onscreen.

It's the parent's job to decide what's appropriate for their children – not the government's. If your kid buys and plays something that seems inappropriate, pop the eject button on the console, put it back in the box, and march your son or daughter back to the store and demand a refund. Should the store absolutely refuse, destroy the game and teach your child an expensive lesson: You don't buy games of this nature without my approval.

Sure, this will result in all sorts of shouting and pouting, but it's not like kids won't act much the same way about many other decisions they feel are unfair.

There's no arguing that any of these bills has its heart in the right place. Young players should not play certain video games. But the ultimate responsibility for ensuring kids aren't exposed to something they shouldn't be starts and ends at home."

It's nice to see a little bit of rational, resposible thinking when it comes to video games and what a "plague" they are upon society. What with that nut out there ranting about them, whatever his name is.

September 28th, 2005

Heh @ 11:38 pm

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
agent_artemis goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as an alien.
_angel_in_black gives you 5 green grapefruit-flavoured gummy bats.
_zaelia_ gives you 4 softly glowing mint-flavoured gummy worms.
agent_archer tricks you! You get a rotten egg.
agent_seren gives you 17 dark blue peach-flavoured wafers.
agent_wylde tricks you! You get a 3.5-inch floppy disc.
alec_troven gives you 5 milky white licorice-flavoured jawbreakers.
author_blayze tricks you! You get a wet rag.
fin_and_aspen gives you 15 red raspberry-flavoured gumdrops.
flame_and_water tricks you! You get a rock.
guardian_maegan gives you 9 white grapefruit-flavoured gummy worms.
agent_artemis ends up with 55 pieces of candy, a rotten egg, a 3.5-inch floppy disc, a wet rag, and a rock.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

I just went through and picked the first names that came up. I was going to pick certain ones, but that was funny.

The Musings of Artemis